Tamster’s Neighborhood

I know how this works, but sometimes it amazes me how my perception of myself colors the world I see. When I am feeling disconnected, like I don't matter, I feel like others don't really want to be with me (and I don't want to be with them!). When I am feeling bored and unmotivated, the world seems like a really boring place, and people's lives seem somewhat meaningless. When I am wallowing in self-hatred, the world seems like a cold, uncaring place, and people seem cold and vindictive. The self-hatred's the worst, I think, and the most destructive in so many ways.

I project so much crap on others, and then when I stop and look at what's going on within ME, it gets even worse. Because now it's MY fault. Now I'M the guilty one. It's ME who's creating all of this misery that I experience.

And the amazing thing is that I do it unconsciously. All of a sudden--Bam!--it's there. And before I know it I've incorporated it into my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I hand people shit that they don't deserve.

And then I ask for help. Sometimes my prayers take awhile to sink in, to be answered. But they always are. Why can't I just make a damn shift when I'm feeling down? Why do I have to make such a mess first? Why do I feel like I need other people to rescue me from my ego? Where's the fucking holy instant?

Why am I so tolerant of mind wandering? I know where it always ends up.

I want my thoughts to build me up, to remind me who I am. I want to love who I am, during each and every phase I go through. I want to treat myself with kindness and compassion. And know that I am the light.

Above all, I want to see...  Clearly. In every moment.

Dammit.

I find that I measure my effectiveness by my opinion of each outcome.

When I judge my ability to achieve through outcomes that are greatly influenced by others with their own perceptions, desires, and behaviors, then I am setting myself up for potentially consistent disappointment.

Each time I am attached to a desired outcome, I am choosing to suffer.

Each time I choose to suffer, I decide to live in fear rather than peace.

Webster’s defines effective as: Adequate to accomplish a purpose; producing the intended or expected result.

Hmmmm… Maybe I just need to change my purpose and my intended/expected result.
(This is fucking brilliant! Why didn’t I think of this before?)

Maybe, just maybe, my intended result is to be peaceful and happy, and I can learn to let go of everything else. Maybe I can let go of the fear that I will be seen as inadequate. Maybe it’s time to do my best and let the chips fall where they may, and let everyone else be who they are going to be. Without anger. Without resentment. Without judgment (now THAT’S gonna be a hard one!).

Maybe I can do this one moment at a time.

What am I choosing now?

What am I choosing now?

What am I choosing now?

This could change everything.

; )

I think I just might be getting spoiled.

More and more, I get to live my life the way I want to, and do what I want. I am finding that while participating in the so-called "have tos," I tend to get irritable and focus on lack. How funny is that.

Sometimes I feel like the two-year-old who hasn't yet learned that life doesn't revolve around her.

Although it's hard, also, to know how far I've come (and does that really matter?) or focus on the positives about myself when whiny Julie shows up. Then I just end up feeling like a selfish asshole.

Hopefully I can spend more time laughing at myself and letting all of this go. And learning to love whiny Julie.

; )

I'm pretty damn sure I'll never find out.

Sometimes I really don't know who the fuck I am. When I'm immersed in this world (yes, I know, that's exactly the problem. And I should stop right here. But I'm not, since getting this stuff out is what often helps.), it is sometimes hard to know who I really am and what the hell I'm doing.

I guess it's this great mind fuck.

I think my mind is like fire (or anything else, for that matter), it can make my life wonderful or totally fuck up my experience. (and now I'm judging, yes, I know you can tear this post apart, but allow me to rant a bit)  What a powerful tool, and doesn't it suck that not many of us really know how to use it? It's like giving a five-year-old a bottle of crazy glue. Well, some shit's just gonna get stuck.

Is this one big fucking cosmic joke? Hand us these great tools and let us stumble around, putting holes in shit and electrocuting ourselves?

No, obviously the goal is to return to Spirit, and know who we are. I KNOW this. I just have these frequent bouts of Alzheimers and sometimes I can't find my pills.  ; ) 

Shuffleboard, anyone?

I would like to take this moment to express gratitude. I am grateful for all the lessons I have learned. 2008 was a challenging year--full of gifts that I had to keep refocusing on in order to see. I let myself become extremely unbalanced, but I am not upset with myself for it. It was what I needed to do in order to heal and move forward. At times, I could observe myself forgetting who I was or choosing to wallow in pain, but I often chose not to shift immediately. At other times, I chose prayer, which, as it always does, brought me back to myself, yet it didn't take me long to fall back off the wagon. I was a bit psychotic this past year as many of my fears bubbled to the surface.  ; )

I learned to step out and be the type of person I have wanted to be--open, honest, having integrity in my words and actions, and I tried to make amends and offer clarity when needed. I let others in, and acknowledged and exposed my fears. And nobody died.

This past year was an incredible time of learning and healing. I think 2009 will be the year of achieving a greater balance and enjoying life even more. Of continuing to learn, grow, and heal, and to continue to strengthen my love and faith. This will be a year of breathing into me, of deepening my relationship with myself, and subsequently, with others. I have no idea what this year will bring (why do I say that? do we ever???  ;  ), and I am grateful for that. I will make a choice in each moment, because that is all that I have.

Wow.

I'm one of those types of people who often dives in with both feet. Who finds it hard to give less than one hundred percent. I'm finding that this both a gift and a huge liability.

Ok, the gifts. I take pride in what I do, I want high quality. I do things with passion and a strong commitment. I take ownership of what I create or help to create. I don't quit until the job is done. I do what I do with integrity.

The downside? I put all my eggs in one fucking basket. And I tend to do what I think is expected rather than honoring myself.

But don't we all? How many of us stay grounded and balanced in the middle of doing something we love, something we are passionate about? Something that brings us great joy and bliss?

And when disappointment rears its ugly head, it sure hurts.

Ahhh, the human fucking experience.

Well, well, well, I've certainly been forgetting my little tag line these days. Everything came to a head recently and I dove to the depths of misery for a bit. Wallowed awhile and could not get out of it no matter what I did. Prayer, meditation, whatever. Things changed once I shifted into gratitude and letting go. Actually, I expressed my gratitude for the ability to let go (even though I hadn't technically let go yet). Let me tell you what, brothers and sisters, that was all she wrote. Immediate relief.

I had some insights once I started shifting out of my little hell hole. I haven't been taking care of me. I have been keeping busy with other things and neglecting some of the things that bring me a great deal of joy and bliss. Duh. (should I have that stamped to my forehead? Backwards, so I can read it in the mirror?)  LOL.

And I have been realizing lately that my life is fucking amazing. I am blessed in so many ways. But it took a major bitchfest to realize that. The signs were there, I started getting irritable, blaming, focusing on me, me, me. Let me tell you what, next time I'll stop there.  ; )   I'm sick and tired of the fucking cosmic 2x4. I'll notice the damn splinter in my finger from now on.

It's nice to be back.

: )

I'm dead ass tired and would probably benefit by going to bed about now, but I just HAVE to get this out of me.

Why the fuck do I still have to be an asshole sometimes?  Why can't I just accept what is, be grateful and realize that my life is fabulous and I have nothing to complain about?  Fuck.

I have been such a jerk at work lately (well, let me rephrase this. I have been complaining and blaming a lot, much of it in my head, but I have expressed some of it verbally to others and totally vented inappropriately to my boss this evening.). I don't want to be this way. I want to be able to take everything in stride and accept what is. Accept that I am in a difficult situation and am doing the best that I can and be satisfied even when things don't go as I think they should. The "old Julie" is starting to creep back in (although a much gentler, milder version) and I feel like such a failure.

So let's focus on what I want. Who I want to be...

I want to be kind. ALWAYS. Whether I agree or disagree, I want to be kind and compassionate. I want to be able to go with the flow without first having a little tantrum. I want to ask for what I want without feeling like I am being selfish. I want to be able to come from a place of love, and notice quickly when fear is stepping in, so I can shift back into love. I want my days to be joyous and free. I want to accept what is and honor wherever others are in there lives and their personal evolution.

Now, why the fuck does that have to be so hard?

I'm noticing I'm feeling more disgruntled lately. I want more out of life than what I am doing during the week. I want to be doing work that fulfills me and where I know I am effective. But I am choosing to be where I am right now.

And I cannot for the life of me figure out what I'd rather be doing...

I want to let go of my limited thinking and not only be grateful for where I am and what I'm doing, but to be open to the myriad of possibilities this world has to offer. To know that all I have to do is to be open and the right and perfect opportunities will fall into my lap.

Hoo-rah.

A few lines from on of my favorite Ani Difranco songs: