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I was recently going thru my emails, and discovered Ron's very last communication to me. Since some time has passed and I am now looking at it with fresh eyes, it kinda scares me that I was matched with this person. We simply do not share anywhere near the same view of life, aside from the other "issues" that quickly arose.  None of these words reflect the optimistic, generous person represented on his profile.  Of course, I have to allow for the possibility that what he writes here does NOT reflect his true beliefs (for whatever reason).   I never answered this email--thought it best to get as much distance as quickly as possible.     

Had I resurrected my "rescuer, saviour, saver, nurse, fixer" pattern and permitted it any leash, the path could have led to some very strange and unhealthy places.  OMG!  I AM learning from my mistakes!  could this be a sign of....brace yourself... maturity????   Later, gators!  :)

T,
      Having been educated as a social psychologist, I've been thinking a lot since the eHarmony blow up and your goodbye message.  It seems to me that love, tenderness, compassion, nurturance, sharing, and relating are some of the most vital of human emotions and behaviors.  Without them life is empty even if we are in the best of health and have the most comfortable of homes and impressive bank accounts.  Yet we live in a society that devalues them and makes them suspect.
If you love, you are considered naïve.  If happy, you are considered shallow and frivolous.  If generous and altruistic, you are suspected of ulterior motives.  If nurturing, you’re seen as possibly exploitive and suspect.  If forgiving, you are considered weak.  If trusting, you are considered a fool.  And if you try to do all these things, people are sure you are a phony and possibly dangerous.
It is this self-defeating attitude that has helped to breed a society of detached, noncommitted people too proud and sophisticated to admit their isolation and unhappiness and too fearful to risk doing anything about it.
Yet there is considerable scientific data that proves relationships do matter, that intimacy is necessary to a satisfying and productive life, that a loving touch and a genuine laugh can heal, and that positive relating is conducive to physical, emotional, and psychological well being.

            In short, to be happy, well, and sane, we all need love, T, even those of us with baggage and battle scars. Good luck in finding the perfect relationship partner.

Ron DID respond to my "adieu" note.  'magine that.

I first discovered my eHarmony cancellation yesterday morning when I tried to log on to my account.  So I immediately e-mailed eHarmony asking for a correction if it was done in error or an explanation.  What I got in answer was that my subscription had been cancelled, my money had been recredited to my credit card, and that eHarmony has a policy of never revealing the reason for a cancellation.  So I can only speculate why they chose to do that.    Maybe;  I'm certainly in no position to dispute that....

  All that I have communicated to eHarmony and to you has been the truth.  My profile, photo, identity, and age have all been accurate. I have serious doubts about that, since you presented conflicting info to me & then wouldn't answer direct questions about it.   And all that I have written specifically to you has been a true depiction of who I really am, how I think, value, and believe. Even scarier. Further, like you, I too am a parent and grandparent.  wow, that's REALLY fascinating, because I didn't even know I'm a parent or grandparent.  Other than to the 4-legged & feathered ones.  And we didn't ever discuss them.

 However, it is also true that I had not yet told you about my carrying a huge load of baggage going all the way back to 27 years ago when I was embroiled in a malicious divorce and child custody battle with my ex-wife, who described herself as a “militant, lesbian, feminist, witch, and gender warrior” governed only by a pragmatic morality that allowed her to say or do anything that worked best to achieve her own vindictive ends regardless whom she hurt in the process--including my children. I chose to protect them with my own life and therefore took the brunt of her attack and its horrible consequences.    ooookay, now. that's ONE side of the story...and is that how she described herself, or how you did??   ....27 yrs ago, huh? Sounds like there's still a lot of anger close to the surface.

All my friends and family know all my baggage.That “baggage” is largely responsible for the kind, considerate, and empathetic aspect of my personality that you have responded to. HUNH??? That's more than a little presumptuous.   I have personally known great pain, loss, grief, heartache, abject despair, and betrayal. "abject despair?" drama queen? victim? or living in your own novel??   Because of that I am highly sensitive to the feelings of others.  People who have endured what I have come out of the experience either hopelessly embittered, morosely withdrawn, or more lovingly and sensitively connected to others.  I am in the last category. Tell it however you want, brother, it's your script! (I'm not being a smartass there -- we each choose our own script & what part we play & how we read it;  I've "been there & done that" with the anger, the victimhood, the martyred saint -- guess it was fun to play for a while or I wouldn't have done it).  I just don't need to watch the play, or be in it.

However, I value my privacy and don’t indiscriminately share my baggage.  Besides it is very painful to do so because it forces me to mentally relive it.  So even on a site like eHarmony I don’t hang all that information out front.  Forgive me, but I highly doubt that the baggage you have just unloaded on me has ANY REMOTE bearing on eHarmony's decision to dump you. This is total avoidance of the real issue(s) of misrepresenting yourself.  Unless a positive connection develops, I feel it is no one’s business.  You and I were just getting to that point.  Au contraire, frere, we were getting farther & farther from that point with each paragraph!  But I will respect your decision to terminate contact.  You seem to have a very light hearted spirit and are probably a lot of fun to spend time with. So I hear. You have my e-mail address.  Should you wish to communicate further in the future, please don't hesitate to write.  I'll pass, thank you!  My head is still reeling with how quickly someone who seemed feet-on-the-ground solid & stable, intelligent, intuitive, rational, completely down-to-earth guy-next-door morphed before my eyes into a car-contents obsessed, Danielle Steele-reading, show-tunes-loving, way-too-fast-moving person living in his own romance novel, launching monologues snatched from a grab-bag of  god-knows-what.

What did I say in "Re-directing??"   That my present focus is on my home projects; my running program; my friends and my job.  Thank you, god, for this little episode so I can :put a period at the end of that sentence," and not be tempted back into dating land for a while.  And thank you, ron, for giving us laughs, gasps, groans & heebie-jeebies at your expense.  What a marvelously entertaining way to wrap things up with eHarmony and my dating focus!!  Damn, life is good!   (and I get to look forward to witnessing a fascinating friend step out of their comfort zone, stretch themselves and make their acting debut this weekend -- what inspiration!)    TYG, over & over again!!   XXOO

 I'd be lying if I said I wasn't eager to open my email this morning.  I'm sure that Ron has been told by eH that he has been determined to be unsuitable for their site.  As efficient as they are, I'm pretty damn sure they also told him that his matches have been contacted. What would he have to say??  Let's all see.... and yes, my comments are inserted!

"I was surprised not to find an e-mail from you today.  Busy day and you didn't have the opportunity or was my last e-mail to you a little too rhapsodic and philosophical? or maybe it was a little too plain old weird, and why are you expecting me to email you daily when we've communicated less than a week?
 
    Today my day was somewhat like your yesterday.  Started off early and just got through conducting my last meeting and back home a few minutes ago, 9:30 PM.  It's good to be able to relax. Hmmm. Conducting meetings for what? You said you were an author.
 
    Do you like romance novels?  My favorite author of those is Danielle Steel.  She has probably written over 30 romance novels, and I've read about nine of those.  Unlike the more adolescent Harlequin and Sillouhette novels, Danielle's are about middle aged people and often times it is a second marriage.  She or her team do some excellent research in creating realistic background stories and settings.  Some of hers have been placed in the movie industry, or fashion, art, diplomatic, and foreign.  Some are contemporary--others, historical.  But all seemingly realistic. Now, readers, do I really have to say what I'm thinking about this? I'm sure your brain is filling in the reaction appropriately!!  I guess Ron thinks I'm looking to live out the heroine in one of these novels!  NOT!
 
   After telling you about my trunk contents, I thought of a few other things.  The jacket that gets worn on an average of one cold day a year (usually I feel very warm year round).  A towel and flip-flops in case I stop at the beach.  Leather gloves in case I end up helping a friend move.  And bungie cords to hold the trunk down if I haul something oversized.  I had forgotten about those items. Enough with the freakin' "what you keep in your car" shit!  This man is obsessed!!! Oh, I know -- maybe he LIVES in his car so he thinks a lot about what's in it!
 
   I recently did an unwanted inventory on all that I carry.  The dealership was doing some warranty work on my car when they called me and said I would have to remove all personal items from the glove compartment to the trunk or they couldn't (wouldn't) do the work.  It was embarrassing to pull out all that stuff and box it right in the middle of their service area.  I didn't realize I had so much.  What all do you carry? Well, the most embarrassing thing I've carried in my glovebox is an emergency tampon, and those are a fact of life, so anyone who saw it just needs to deal.  I'm not at all embarrassed by the 2 beer huggies I carry everywhere - one for bottles; one for cans.  A gal's gotta be prepared.  car manual, service record, nail file, a few napkins in case of a spill,...and wait a minute - you needed a BOX to hold the stuff in your glovebox?  How big is it?  I still don't know what you have in there to be embarrassed. My curiousity is rising.
 
   I guess I did have one break in my schedule today when some cancellations gave me a two-hour window to play the piano.  I particularly like songs from some of the old musicals like "Oklahoma," "West Side Story," "South Pacific," "Sound of Music," and others. Hmmm again. What cancellations? Again, you're supposed to be an author. And I've asked you to describe a typical day in your life, and you ignored that request.  You also ignored my question asking if you've always been an author or if it's a 2nd career after retiring from another profession.  Your emails sound less & less like you're really an author.  I bet that picture WAS old.  oh, imagine.

(OMIGOD!  I just now read the 2nd sentence of that paragraph about particularly liking songs from old musicals!!  This is getting weirder & weirder.)
 
   So, how was your day?  I hope it was less strenuous than yesterday.  I also hope you are still on your computer and will be able to write back tonight.   Ron. Are you STILL going to pretend that NOTHING has happened with eH, Ron?? Just going along like everything's cool??  You HAVE to know that I know, right???

I am completely torn between my curiosity and the OBVIOUS need to remove this person from my life, using a delicate surgical procedure like dynamite. 
(yaaa, now Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap will be in my head!  I love AC/DC!  excellent workout music! there is an upside to this!)  

Meanwhile, I find myself frozen, unable to act in either direction.
 

 I'd be lying if I said I wasn't eager to open my email this morning.  I'm sure that Ron has been told by eH that he has been determined to be unsuitable for their site.  As efficient as they are, I'm pretty damn sure they also told him that his matches have been contacted. What would he have to say??  Let's all see.... and yes, my comments are inserted!

"I was surprised not to find an e-mail from you today.  Busy day and you didn't have the opportunity or was my last e-mail to you a little too rhapsodic and philosophical? or maybe it was a little too plain old weird, and why are you expecting me to email you daily when we've communicated less than a week?
 
    Today my day was somewhat like your yesterday.  Started off early and just got through conducting my last meeting and back home a few minutes ago, 9:30 PM.  It's good to be able to relax. Hmmm. Conducting meetings for what? You said you were an author.
 
    Do you like romance novels?  My favorite author of those is Danielle Steel.  She has probably written over 30 romance novels, and I've read about nine of those.  Unlike the more adolescent Harlequin and Sillouhette novels, Danielle's are about middle aged people and often times it is a second marriage.  She or her team do some excellent research in creating realistic background stories and settings.  Some of hers have been placed in the movie industry, or fashion, art, diplomatic, and foreign.  Some are contemporary--others, historical.  But all seemingly realistic. Now, readers, do I really have to say what I'm thinking about this? I'm sure your brain is filling in the reaction appropriately!!  I guess Ron thinks I'm looking to live out the heroine in one of these novels!  NOT!
 
   After telling you about my trunk contents, I thought of a few other things.  The jacket that gets worn on an average of one cold day a year (usually I feel very warm year round).  A towel and flip-flops in case I stop at the beach.  Leather gloves in case I end up helping a friend move.  And bungie cords to hold the trunk down if I haul something oversized.  I had forgotten about those items. Enough with the freakin' "what you keep in your car" shit!  This man is obsessed!!! Oh, I know -- maybe he LIVES in his car so he thinks a lot about what's in it!
 
   I recently did an unwanted inventory on all that I carry.  The dealership was doing some warranty work on my car when they called me and said I would have to remove all personal items from the glove compartment to the trunk or they couldn't (wouldn't) do the work.  It was embarrassing to pull out all that stuff and box it right in the middle of their service area.  I didn't realize I had so much.  What all do you carry? Well, the most embarrassing thing I've carried in my glovebox is an emergency tampon, and those are a fact of life, so anyone who saw it just needs to deal.  I'm not at all embarrassed by the 2 beer huggies I carry everywhere - one for bottles; one for cans.  A gal's gotta be prepared.  car manual, service record, nail file, a few napkins in case of a spill,...and wait a minute - you needed a BOX to hold the stuff in your glovebox?  How big is it?  I still don't know what you have in there to be embarrassed. My curiousity is rising.
 
   I guess I did have one break in my schedule today when some cancellations gave me a two-hour window to play the piano.  I particularly like songs from some of the old musicals like "Oklahoma," "West Side Story," "South Pacific," "Sound of Music," and others. Hmmm again. What cancellations? Again, you're supposed to be an author. And I've asked you to describe a typical day in your life, and you ignored that request.  You also ignored my question asking if you've always been an author or if it's a 2nd career after retiring from another profession.  Your emails sound less & less like you're really an author.  I bet that picture WAS old.  oh, imagine.

(OMIGOD!  I just now read the 2nd sentence of that paragraph about particularly liking songs from old musicals!!  This is getting weirder & weirder.)
 
   So, how was your day?  I hope it was less strenuous than yesterday.  I also hope you are still on your computer and will be able to write back tonight.   Ron. Are you STILL going to pretend that NOTHING has happened with eH, Ron?? Just going along like everything's cool??  You HAVE to know that I know, right???

I am completely torn between my curiosity and the OBVIOUS need to remove this person from my life, using a delicate surgical procedure like dynamite. 
(yaaa, now Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap will be in my head!  I love AC/DC!  excellent workout music! there is an upside to this!)  

Meanwhile, I find myself frozen, unable to act in either direction.
 

Happy Tuesday! I received an email from Ron this morning.  A portion of it:

"It sounds like you had a tiring day but an energizing one as well.  Wouldn't it have been nice to have been met at the door when you came home with a kiss, hug, and a drink followed by an already prepared candle light dinner, followed by a full body massage and. . . .  Just thinking of an alternative to returning after a long, hard day to a dark and empty house."  

I'm thinking 2 things:  1, it's a little early in our "relationship" to be danging that carrot in front of me (so to speak!); and 2, I went home alone, but not to a dark & empty house -- I went to a home that is bright, vibrant, warm, peaceful and full of the love of my 4-legged & feathered children.  I had a wonderful evening; alone but not lonely.  :)

You know, there's always a question that NO one in your life has ever asked..... e-v-e-r...

"Just out of curiosity, what do you carry in your car?  (HUNH?) I carry a lot of sports equipment in mine for volleyball, tennis, frizbee, and racquetball.  Obviously the acoutrements of a jock extrovert.  Right?  But I didn't tell you about the tools, ropes, tarps, and fire extinguisher I also carry.  Maybe I'm a pessimist and doomsayer who always expects things to turn out bad."

I'm warped, so my mind automatically says, well, yeah, sure, you're a boyscout & you like to be prepared and all... but wouldn't those items also come in handy if you were a serial killer and we were on a dark lonely stretch of road between here & Orlando?  (Obviously I've seen too many Lifetime movies.  Or was that the News?)

"I am a very gentle, kind, considerate, expathetic, compassionate, and easy-going person.  You'll find yourself feeling very relaxed, comfortable, and accepted for who you are in my company."
What I'm feeling is the beginning of a hypnosis session..... Now, granted, this isn't the whole email. Just these excerpts do not relay the entire tone.  Really. 

WELL, either God has a crazy fucking wicked ass twisted sense of humor (he has to have peed his pants on this one), or I have reached a whole new level of being the most amazing manifesting motherfucker imaginable.   Why??  Well, just a few hours later, this is the email I get:

Dear eHarmony Friend,

Making your eHarmony experience safe and successful is important to us.  As a past or present user, we want to inform you that eHarmony has taken action to remove one of your matches, Ron from XXXXX, from the eHarmony service.  This decision was made in accordance with our terms and conditions.

Consistent with our privacy policy, we do not disclose the specific reasons for this person's removal.  eHarmony disclaims any responsibility or liability with respect to any continued involvement between you and any person whose account is closed by eHarmony.  Please visit the links below for further information on our privacy policy, and to obtain safety tips on corresponding with matches.

What the????  You're damn freakin' right I'm going to click on the freakin' links!!

Q: Why did I receive a match termination notification?

A: eH may determine that an acct should be closed based on routine monitoring & review of acct activity and/or info received regarding a member's acct or activity. If an acct is closed by eH for Terms & Conditions violations, eH will make every effort to notify any past or present customers matched to the users whose acct has been closed. If you have received a notification re a match's acct being closed, we strongly recommend that you discontinue any further communication with this match.

Q: What are the most common reasons for closing a match's acct?

A: The most common reason is a violation of eH's Terms & Conditions such as the misrepresentation of personal information (name, identity, address, age or marital status)

Q: Would this type of notif be sent if my match made the decision to close the acct themselves?

A: No, eH only sends this type of notif if the decision to close the acct was made by eH. If you have rec'd this notice, we can confirm that the acct closure was an eH decision & this action was not taken at the request of the match.

Q: I have been in communication with this person. Should I discontinue communication with this match?

A: As stated in the notification, we would like to reiterate that we strongly discourage any further communication with this match.

'kay.  Decision time.  Do I just stop communication with no explanation? Do I continue v-e-r-y slowly with emails only, wait until I spot a deal-breaker & then break it off? I don't want to ask him what the hell he did, because that just opens the door up for a bunch of explanations & excuses which actually could end up with a date on that long, dark, lonely road between here & Orlando.....  Do I email him (thank god we didn't exchange #s yet) and tell him about the email from eH, and that I do not want to communicate any more?  Shit.  That sounds like the ADULT action to take.   BUT  I  DON'T  WAAAANNNNNNA  BE  A  GROWNUP.... not in this situation anyway.  What am I afraid of? That I'll hurt his feelings?  We've never even talked or met!  And, even though I don't know what it is exactly, he HAS misrepresented himself in a big enough way for eH to dump him.  He must know that I've been notified, right?  There are too many damn questions in my head right now.  I just won't do anything until I sleep on it & the drunken monkeys in my head slow down.

Pre-dating.  Communicating.  Testing the waters.

Hmm. So the dating plan for last year didn't turn out exactly as I planned.  :)

Brian & I went out for dinner as a 2nd date. Chinese/Japanese. YUM. Very interesting conversation & laughs & thought-provoking questions. We bared our souls a little more.

After dinner, he wanted ice cream (one of his passions, I'm discovering!  Jules, I thought of you!).  I got into his amazing custom-ordered foreign convertible, which I'd already had the joy of riding in at lunch. Mucho YUM YUM. And she's blue, my fav color.
I like nice things, but I'm not materialistic and flashing possessions around doesn't impress me, so I decided to be funny-cute. As the engine was winding up thru the parking lot (which makes my panties wet***), I casually turned to him & said, "Well, she's not a ' 67 Camaro, but she'll do."   Without hesitation, he smiled back & said "I'm not old enough to drive one of those."   We both laughed our asses off. Astounding how clever we both are, I tell ya!

    *** If you don't know it yet, I'm a classic car freak. There's the combination of art & architecture with
    those graceful lines you VERY rarely see these days. There's the quiet, calm sophistication of the
    "grande dames" who don't need to prove anything to anyone. There's the flashbacks to the utilitarian station             wagons! Then there's the deeply vibrating motors of the muscle cars, who also don't need to prove anything to
    anyone, but just can't seem to help showing off!!! Rev this, buddy!! 
    I'm not like most girls in this way. When they have Hot August Nights & I watch those beauties go
    rolling by, it's all I can do to keep from throwing myself in front of them & humping the tires!
   
    ok, now I'm getting excited just sitting here. Classic car porn. Hunh. Hey, Columbus, think we can
    put something together & make some dough?

So, we're zooming down the road, hair blowing, to the "best ice cream in town" by Brian's estimation. As we eat, we are sitting & watching this amazing cloud bank change formation to the north of us, in the changing evening light. To the east is an osprey, vigilant, on the lookout for dinner. Great people-watching, too.  After ice cream he offers me the choice of the direct route or scenic route back to my car.  DUH. Scenic. Nice slow, easy drive with more sharing, silly questions, admiring the water & sky, lightning in the cloud bank now, completely dipped in life and the moment.  Would I have been equally happy on a scooter or 10-speed? You Bet! 

Parked by my car, we talk a bit. He asks me if I'd like to go out again. I think that hits the DUH jackpot, brainiac...  we both simultaneously lean in & kiss. (although we both claim the other started it!)  Nice. Very nice. Hmm. let's try that some more!!  There is some way cool chemistry here that I haven't felt in a long, long time. 

This lunch with Brian was at a restaurant one of friends owns.  Maybe in the future we'll have a lunch date that's a Nooner!!   But not this time!  :)

Gee, I guess you can already tell that I really like Brian a lot. Our conversations set a nice groundwork for lunch. He can say that he looks just like his pictures......and he does..... but I've found NO one looks EXACTLY like their picture, at least not at first.  He's much more attractive in person, actually. Pleasant surprise.

He is a southern gentleman, by his own description. Quite an adjustment for an independent chick like me who is used to opening her own doors. Or does that just happen because I always beat the other person to the door? We had a few laughs about that difference, and like he said, hey, at least we're laughing about it with each other!  Yep, that's a good sign! 

My friend makes such awesome food, and quite a variety, so it's hard to choose. Our waitress lets me know that she specifically set aside the last of the grilled eggplant for me (grilled eggplant sandwich being one of the daily specials), so how could I possibly have anything else?!   It was yummy. Several items caught Brian's eye, but he decided on a patty melt. Must have been good because his plate was shiny clean when it was over! He said we HAD to have dessert & ordered carrot cake. I protested, having not been able to eat my whole sandwich, but ended up having a bite or two. He enjoys the restaurant, says it won't be his last time there, and I think the whole lunch was a raving success.

When we get back to my office, he gets out to come around & open my door.... part of me thinks this is just ridiculous as I am perfectly capable of handling that chore myself as I have for years.... and another part of me ponders the feeling of being treated like a princess, and if I could get used to that........ time will tell!

THEN, something that has never happened in my whole life happened..... he ever so politely ASKED, YES, ASKED, if he could call me again.  Uh, YEAH.  Duh.   I think my knees actually got a little weak, which is pretty surprising because my usual reaction would be to come up with something sarcastic, even if I kept in to myself. Gee, even as I write this I can't think of anything smartass.... just that it's so damn sweet!  hunh. I keep saying over & over again on this dating journey that I find myself in "places" I haven't been before.  Well, here's another. This is certainly one of the more enjoyable spots in the ride!!

I expect not to hear from him until he comes back into town, probably next week.  But, NO, he calls me after work to thank me again for having lunch with him. Nice surprise.  So, this is about the time that each of us is wondering what the hell is wrong with the other one that we haven't spotted yet!!  No, that would be the old me..... I'm just savoring the moment!